3 Games That Prove That This is the Year of the Horse

Like many of you, I have never seen a horse.

These elusive, magical creatures have tantalized the imaginations of man from the bronze age to the snap of Thanos which eliminated half of all organisms. One may even assume that would include horses out in the wild if they were real. And yet, we have yet to find evidence of a horse Avengers team. I have even been told that this very year (2014) is the Year of the Horse. 

Thankfully with our 4K technology, god-rays, and cloud gaming, players are closer than ever to experiencing these majestic creatures before having to go back to the data center mines. Three new titles stand out as the top — neigh – the pinnacle of digital equestrian eminence.(1)

And it is by no means no mere coincidence that the game that kicked off this digital horse race was Barbie Vacation Adventure returning in Barbie Rewind coming out later this year.

It is as though the history of horses ran around a big circle of such with the world cheering them on as though it was a race – but of horses instead of people or tiny wiener dogs with top hats. Not regular top hats but ones that would actually fit them with a little elastic band under their chin so the hats would not hinder their running as their heads bob along.

Dachshunds. I think they’re called dachshunds.

Horsey Game

You start the game drowning in medical debt which already establishes the story being somewhere in America. Anywhere, really. It could be happening right next to you right now.

To raise money, you start betting on horses which is like a real-life betting app you and your friends can actually visit. These majestic creatures with wondrous stick legs(2) hop, hobble, and sometimes backflip towards their end goal where you either win money or not. The trick is to seize the means of production and start racing your own hobbled horse in races, send them out for breeding, or let them get in a few laps at the nuclear power plant.  

The game lets you try out other horse sports like trampoline, sumo wrestling, DNA mutation, and freakshow. Horsey Game lets you live out all of your horse dreams except the one where you are giving a presentation in front of your class – on a horse. 

Horse Magnifier

Do not be fooled. This is not the horse detective game you expect it to be with a Sherlock Horse looking for clues with a horse magnifier.

No, it’s a game about magnifying certain parts of a horse to alter its appearance to appear like a different picture. In that way, it’s more like a Horse Instagram or a Horse LinkedIn if you live in Northern California. Drag the little circles over the pictures to get them to match. Hit the horse button to get the horse sound. Have fun.

Horse Riding Classic

We’re finally to the part everyone has been waiting for – the horse riding. Well, I hate to disappoint you. It’s not going to happen. Horses are not real.

However, Horse Riding Classic presents the closest interpretation of what horse-ologist believe would be the experience of riding a horse if it was possible. (But it’s not. Get over it already.) You and your horse are off to find 100 apples as you fly through flaming hoops, tubes, and anything else that gets in your way. Along the way, you will gain a family, fight a horse wizard, and try your best to avoid working at a glue factory. 

Remember that you can only apply the first 50 hours of Horse Riding Classic to your 200 hours of horse riding lessons before you can get your horse license. 

And there you have it, three games that prove that this is the Year of the Horse. If you can think of any other horse games this year, let me know on bluesky.

(1) Terrible jokes aside. These are all great games that all take on horses in unique and surreal ways. You'll understand more as you watch the trailers.

(2) I know what you’re thinking, “Shouldn’t horses have knees?”

And I would say, “I don’t know. I’m not a horse-ologist.”

And then you would say, “I don’t think you mean a horse-ologist. That’s not the name of the people who study horses. That would be an equine-narian.”

And then I would remind you, “No, an equine-narian glues a horse back together when it breaks apart.”